Love sucks really bad.

At some point in everyone’s life, there is someone who will completely redefine how to behave and who you think you will become. For some people, it’s your parents, a coworker or a friend. For a lot of people, it’s someone that’s closer to you than all of those individuals; usually, it’s a companion. Someone who you know you couldn’t live your life without. You imagine a future with this person and you experience a present like no other with this person. Life is at its peak when you are with them and when you’re apart – events merely lead up until your reunion.

I had someone like that in my life and now I’ve lost them. There were a lot of circumstances involved, but in the end, it boiled down to who and what I was as well as who and what she was.  ‘We’ defined the situation; our lives, in unison, cultivated the relationship and it was ultimately our lives that ended it as well. Do I have regrets? Yes, many. And for a minute, my misgivings wore heavily on my shoulders. The guilt and pain drove me to further decimate whatever bond could’ve been salvaged between us. On me, it’s been rough; I didn’t know how to handle this. It was all uncharted territory. And still is. Every day is a new emotional journey filled with questions, self-doubt and some irrational fear, just to spice things up.

And thus far, weathering this break-up and getting to a point where I am ‘okay’ has been hellish at best. Maybe ‘hellish’ is too strong of a word – but it has been something like that. Never in my life had I loved someone like I had her. I guess the first time is the hardest, but it’s not like our break was mutual. I guess that’s the biggest hurdle I have to get over. It’s easy to let go when you want to, but when it comes out of nowhere…how can you be prepared for it?

Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I had this coming? I know I tried and I know I’m not the best of people – so maybe this was all what was due to me? After all, despite all the arguments and feelings of neglect (her not communicating with me), I still never thought to break-up with her. I was willing to endure, stupid, I suppose, considering look at me now. Patience and optimism got me this; saying things would get better got me this; being willing to wait things out got me this. This, this, this, this.

Just heartache and fear that it will happen again.

Part of me feels ruined. But another piece of me continues to tell me that it’ll all be alright. I’m sure I will be fine, but not for some time. I still want to be with her, I still want to try and make things work. When I read it to myself, it sounds pathetic, but whatever. At this point, I am pathetic. 

Guess who's been busy at work?

I have! But don't fret, I've started vlogging!

Yes, there are now videos of my ugly mug being emo. The first couple of videos are terrible with out of sync audio and poor quality. Then I decided to come to my senses and use my beastly new camera that I brought myself over the holidays. So now my blogs will be diving into a whole new, pathetic, medium. Excellent! Anyway, without further ado, I present you my series of video logs - updated regularly on my youtube channel. But as an added bonus, I'll give insight to what is said in the videos. Consider yourself lucky. Here we go, after the jump.

Vid number one. I was drunk when I made it. Seriously.

The break up with the girl was finalized, so I got wasted, had my brother pick me up from the bar and felt poopy for the entirety of the day. I also went into work drunk and had an excellent day - strangely enough. But if you can't tell from the content of the video, I was exceedingly bitter and lovesick. At this point (and to this day, I guess) I was still in love with my girlfriend ex. It's hard remembering to say that now - but that might be something I'll have to get used to if I want to live life without the hindrance of a broken heart. This video, sparked an interest in me though and caused me to really let loose and become comfortable with revealing my personal life to an extent. Which, in return, caused me to release similar videos as a series, to kind of subsidize the fact that I have been blogging less. Since this video was a dry, first, run, there isn't much too it. So I really don't have anything else to say about it.

The youtube has up to video six, if you want to get ahead. Otherwise I'll be doing video two in a short bit.

Peace.

Hey...

How come there is no such thing as an 'upward' spiral? Why does it always have to be downward and why does it always have to be inevitable? Yes, my condition is worsening. Life isn't the same anymore - my focus has shifted. Instead of thinking about work, I think about the excess of love songs on the radio and how I am going to spend this new years alone. Which will be a first for me in quite some time. Funny thing is, I explained this situation to another friend of mine who was going through girl trouble at the time.

His woes was almost just like mine and so I gave him the advice that I should've followed for my situation as well. But it's always easier to point and say 'change it' than to actually be there yourself. So right now, I am a mess; mentally, physically and emotionally. My life is one big jumble of intent, things I want/need to get done and the lingering pain of losing someone close to you, possibly for good. She did agree to keep talking to me though, so I told her that I would write her letters. We'll see how that works. Anyway, I need to get some sleep. I got a couple of things I need to take care of tomorrow and I have a surprise for a certain blogger as well.

I only blog when I am emo.

Its true. Really.

When I am perfectly happy with whatever is going on in my life, I don't even begin to have the urge to blog. But the second things head towards the shitter, all of a sudden I become the most writing-est bastard this side of the mason-motherfuckin'-dixie. Why is this? Lemme tell you. Because misery (the clingy bitch that she is) looove company; all my happy shit, I hoard for myself. And that only leave the pain and heartache for my blog and whoever may read it. That's just how it is and probably how it's going to be, unless I somehow have some miraculous change in my life.

And, you know, it probably isn't hard to figure out how I got to this state. Shit, it's the same reason why I have half of my blog posts. Yep. The female. I got drunk a couple of hours ago because of a lot of stuff that I realized.  I wish I had the time to write down all the fine details of my intoxication. But I can tell you this: we tried being friends, I knew it wouldn't work, and it didn't work. And now I have to give up the one woman I loved more than anything so that I can be sane again. It sucks.

Five days and no new post?!?!

Damn, I'm slipping. This week has been crazy hectic for me though. But there is at least a lot of good new to report about this ole life of mine.

First and foremost, I'm changing my career path. No more of this cooking nonsense. Since it makes me sooo unhappy, I'm kicking it to the crib. Next is that I am enrolled for college this winter semester, fun times. Last, but not least, is that I got my new arcade stick and I've been practicing furiously with a new character.

So this is a short post, just something to let my one follower know I am still alive.

Later.

IDEA!

I need a new job. I really, really do.

But I don't know what my ideal job would be. Soooo...I'm going to use blogging to help me figure out my professional future. Exciting!

My goal is to compile a list of things that I like to do and don't like to do. Then I'll research jobs that fulfill those parameters and attempt to give them a shot on entry level. The results, no matter the turn out, will be posted here. So for the next couple of days, I'll be posting likes and dislikes on twitter then compiling them to create an outline of my (hopefully) ideal occupation. I'm really hoping this works.

Where's my emo music?

Breaking up isn't easy; it's hard to let go.

I always thought that, when I heard or read things like that, it was a corny, trite statement. But now I know, first hand, the pain of losing someone you care for dearly. I guess the finality of my situation didn't hit me until today, once I started thinking about the holidays coming up. Sure, we agreed to exchange gifts with each other, but ultimately, this will be the first Christmas I've spent single in a very long time. Not to mention, this Christmas I had actually intended on spending with her family. So much for that.

Then I thought about new years and all that. That was usually once of the nights that we made a point to spend together. Last year we popped a bottle of sparkling grape juice, ate dinner together and then watched the ball drop, all in her tiny little apartment on campus at the university. It's a fond memory for me. We were close then, inseparable. And now...it's the exact opposite. I wish I could fix this, I really wish I could. But now I feel that things are so far gone, so far ruined, that this is it. A period at the end of a long, drawn-out amorous sentence.

And I just want to desperately erase it.

I think this might be borderline pathetic. Ok, I know this is pathetic. She wants to be friends, but I can't even do that. I wouldn't want to see her with someone else, let alone even know she is with someone else. I'm not over her and keeping her around won't help me get over her. And it only makes me hurt her anyway. Every time we talk, she cries and I feel like shit. Not a good look at all. The only thing that I can do, that will benefit us both, is just separate myself from her; I've got to submit to loneliness because I feel as if I have lost 'the one'. I thought I had a future with this girl, a life, there was promise.

Gah, I need to stop bleeding all over this blog. Life goes on, the world keeps turning and she'll find another. But, if she ever sees this, just know that I wish you the best. Really. I want nothing but happiness for your life. At least one of us has to be satisfied with the luck we were dealt...and that I love you.