At some point in everyone’s life, there is someone who will completely redefine how to behave and who you think you will become. For some people, it’s your parents, a coworker or a friend. For a lot of people, it’s someone that’s closer to you than all of those individuals; usually, it’s a companion. Someone who you know you couldn’t live your life without. You imagine a future with this person and you experience a present like no other with this person. Life is at its peak when you are with them and when you’re apart – events merely lead up until your reunion.
I had someone like that in my life and now I’ve lost them. There were a lot of circumstances involved, but in the end, it boiled down to who and what I was as well as who and what she was. ‘We’ defined the situation; our lives, in unison, cultivated the relationship and it was ultimately our lives that ended it as well. Do I have regrets? Yes, many. And for a minute, my misgivings wore heavily on my shoulders. The guilt and pain drove me to further decimate whatever bond could’ve been salvaged between us. On me, it’s been rough; I didn’t know how to handle this. It was all uncharted territory. And still is. Every day is a new emotional journey filled with questions, self-doubt and some irrational fear, just to spice things up.
And thus far, weathering this break-up and getting to a point where I am ‘okay’ has been hellish at best. Maybe ‘hellish’ is too strong of a word – but it has been something like that. Never in my life had I loved someone like I had her. I guess the first time is the hardest, but it’s not like our break was mutual. I guess that’s the biggest hurdle I have to get over. It’s easy to let go when you want to, but when it comes out of nowhere…how can you be prepared for it?
Maybe this is all my fault, maybe I had this coming? I know I tried and I know I’m not the best of people – so maybe this was all what was due to me? After all, despite all the arguments and feelings of neglect (her not communicating with me), I still never thought to break-up with her. I was willing to endure, stupid, I suppose, considering look at me now. Patience and optimism got me this; saying things would get better got me this; being willing to wait things out got me this. This, this, this, this.
Just heartache and fear that it will happen again.
Part of me feels ruined. But another piece of me continues to tell me that it’ll all be alright. I’m sure I will be fine, but not for some time. I still want to be with her, I still want to try and make things work. When I read it to myself, it sounds pathetic, but whatever. At this point, I am pathetic.
