Hey...

How come there is no such thing as an 'upward' spiral? Why does it always have to be downward and why does it always have to be inevitable? Yes, my condition is worsening. Life isn't the same anymore - my focus has shifted. Instead of thinking about work, I think about the excess of love songs on the radio and how I am going to spend this new years alone. Which will be a first for me in quite some time. Funny thing is, I explained this situation to another friend of mine who was going through girl trouble at the time.

His woes was almost just like mine and so I gave him the advice that I should've followed for my situation as well. But it's always easier to point and say 'change it' than to actually be there yourself. So right now, I am a mess; mentally, physically and emotionally. My life is one big jumble of intent, things I want/need to get done and the lingering pain of losing someone close to you, possibly for good. She did agree to keep talking to me though, so I told her that I would write her letters. We'll see how that works. Anyway, I need to get some sleep. I got a couple of things I need to take care of tomorrow and I have a surprise for a certain blogger as well.

I only blog when I am emo.

Its true. Really.

When I am perfectly happy with whatever is going on in my life, I don't even begin to have the urge to blog. But the second things head towards the shitter, all of a sudden I become the most writing-est bastard this side of the mason-motherfuckin'-dixie. Why is this? Lemme tell you. Because misery (the clingy bitch that she is) looove company; all my happy shit, I hoard for myself. And that only leave the pain and heartache for my blog and whoever may read it. That's just how it is and probably how it's going to be, unless I somehow have some miraculous change in my life.

And, you know, it probably isn't hard to figure out how I got to this state. Shit, it's the same reason why I have half of my blog posts. Yep. The female. I got drunk a couple of hours ago because of a lot of stuff that I realized.  I wish I had the time to write down all the fine details of my intoxication. But I can tell you this: we tried being friends, I knew it wouldn't work, and it didn't work. And now I have to give up the one woman I loved more than anything so that I can be sane again. It sucks.

Five days and no new post?!?!

Damn, I'm slipping. This week has been crazy hectic for me though. But there is at least a lot of good new to report about this ole life of mine.

First and foremost, I'm changing my career path. No more of this cooking nonsense. Since it makes me sooo unhappy, I'm kicking it to the crib. Next is that I am enrolled for college this winter semester, fun times. Last, but not least, is that I got my new arcade stick and I've been practicing furiously with a new character.

So this is a short post, just something to let my one follower know I am still alive.

Later.

IDEA!

I need a new job. I really, really do.

But I don't know what my ideal job would be. Soooo...I'm going to use blogging to help me figure out my professional future. Exciting!

My goal is to compile a list of things that I like to do and don't like to do. Then I'll research jobs that fulfill those parameters and attempt to give them a shot on entry level. The results, no matter the turn out, will be posted here. So for the next couple of days, I'll be posting likes and dislikes on twitter then compiling them to create an outline of my (hopefully) ideal occupation. I'm really hoping this works.

Where's my emo music?

Breaking up isn't easy; it's hard to let go.

I always thought that, when I heard or read things like that, it was a corny, trite statement. But now I know, first hand, the pain of losing someone you care for dearly. I guess the finality of my situation didn't hit me until today, once I started thinking about the holidays coming up. Sure, we agreed to exchange gifts with each other, but ultimately, this will be the first Christmas I've spent single in a very long time. Not to mention, this Christmas I had actually intended on spending with her family. So much for that.

Then I thought about new years and all that. That was usually once of the nights that we made a point to spend together. Last year we popped a bottle of sparkling grape juice, ate dinner together and then watched the ball drop, all in her tiny little apartment on campus at the university. It's a fond memory for me. We were close then, inseparable. And now...it's the exact opposite. I wish I could fix this, I really wish I could. But now I feel that things are so far gone, so far ruined, that this is it. A period at the end of a long, drawn-out amorous sentence.

And I just want to desperately erase it.

I think this might be borderline pathetic. Ok, I know this is pathetic. She wants to be friends, but I can't even do that. I wouldn't want to see her with someone else, let alone even know she is with someone else. I'm not over her and keeping her around won't help me get over her. And it only makes me hurt her anyway. Every time we talk, she cries and I feel like shit. Not a good look at all. The only thing that I can do, that will benefit us both, is just separate myself from her; I've got to submit to loneliness because I feel as if I have lost 'the one'. I thought I had a future with this girl, a life, there was promise.

Gah, I need to stop bleeding all over this blog. Life goes on, the world keeps turning and she'll find another. But, if she ever sees this, just know that I wish you the best. Really. I want nothing but happiness for your life. At least one of us has to be satisfied with the luck we were dealt...and that I love you.

Late night post. Sweet!

It's pretty late for me, but after a couple of rounds of street fighter and some blog skimming, I'm feeling energetic.

This blogging thing has been keeping me fairly busy and definitely holding my interest more than I thought it would. Even thought I think I started to blog to be something completely personal, I'm starting to find myself craving at least two or three followers – just people that will skim through my rambling and post a comment every once in a while. I don't want an entourage, nor do I want people to worship me. I just want the simple acknowledgment of my work and it's involvement in someone else's life.

It's a stupid feeling, really. But I'm only human. Which means I'm full of these stupid feelings. No big deal though It happens.

Just seconds ago, I just got done reading TOAR or 'Thoughts of a Randomista'  And I thought it was pretty dope, but that's because I have an obvious bias for people from the same city as myself. Go figure, right? Anyway, what I noticed about her blog, as well as many others, was the personal level of involvement that is created by simply asking a question at the end of the described experience/post about whatever. And now I wonder if (given I actually obtain followers) would it be appropriate – considering what I have the blog for – for me to toss questions out at my readers? I think it might be beneficial, but I guess the thought of it conflicts with the selfish idea that this blog is all mine.

I think I might open up some topics for advice and discussion, while just posting others. I don't know. This is all so new to me and much to exciting for me to get everything right on the first try. There will be mistakes but, hopefully, there will be progress as well. I'll work on everyone some more tomorrow, since I don't have to be into work until 2pm. I'll probably be networking for a majority of that time, trying to gather page views and support and stuff like that. So far, so good though.

Lunch post! Yummy.

This is probably going to be a touch uncharacteristic, considering the last couple of posts were about little wedges of my life. But in preparation for marvel versus capcom three (I am a huge gamer) I am playing a lot more street fighter and thinking about investing in the previous installment of the crossover series, just to brush up on my skills. Even though I enjoy playing fighting games, my execution – when it comes to performing moves and combos – is rather poor. I want to better it before I become seriously competitive and even attempt to jump in the ring with the big names.

Now, on to the flawed humanity! Right now, I am on break from work. I got a couple of hours in between shifts which I am using to just relax and prepare myself for the dinner service ahead. Everyone at my job somehow heard about me putting in my two weeks notice (which I haven't actually done yet, but I don't mind the rumor) and keep asking me about it. I've been confirming their suspicions all day and indicating that 'yes, I am going to leave' though I haven't even decided when yet. But I certainly do know why, which I've illustrated in a previous post.

Also, today, during lunch, I came to a startling revelation. Did the girl just use me yesterday? Did she only want to hang out with me because I was a person and she was tired of being alone, or did she actually want to see me? At the time, I was blind to the situation, since I was really excited to see her...but now that I look back on it, I wonder if I just got played for a fool. I know her well enough (or at least I think I do) to know that she's more genuine that how I am making her seem, but we're all human. We all do things we wish we hadn't done and we're bound to deceive someone at some point, that's who and what we are.

I want to ask her if she actually did want to see me. But I think I already know the answer. After all, she did greet me with gifts – some of the crafts she had been making all day. But I don't know, I guess. I'm confused by her and myself. But yea, I gotta get back to work. I'll hopefully put out another, smaller, post tonight. Later.

This post made me late for work.

I got a fried sushi roll while she got California rolls.

This place it adjacent to a huge movie theater and is currently the best Chinese/Japanese buffet in the city. The girl and I used to have a place that we'd go to that was absolutely excellent, but then they went under new ownership – got shitty – and then ultimately closed down. It took a while for us to give this great joint a chance, but once we did, there was no turning back.

So late last night, we went there after I got off of work. I had called her on my way home to see how she was doing and she did something extremely uncharacteristic of her – she asked me out. Granted it was conditional – she wanted to see me because she was tired of being alone – but she could have seen anyone. Anyone. I picked her up, we drove to the place and ate tons of good food (which woke me up at three in the morning and prompted a trip to the bathroom). On the car ride back home, she leaned against me and we talked about things and she revealed that she's knows the last day that we had sex. She had been counting and defended her past time with “I really miss having sex with you, okay?”

It was a total ego boost.

We kissed a couple of times and then I made her go inside and I headed home, muttering “I really love that girl.” Silly me.

Earlier in the day, after I had quit work once and then changed my mind, I talked to this guy that really broke down his work history for me and the trial he had endured. And let me be the first to tell you, I don't want to be like this guy. He's worked in all of these awesome restaurants and he is currently involved in construction. But his life, his balance, is all work. There are no days off for him, no time to relax and enjoy life. Just work, drink and sleep, so you can do it all again. I don't care what people say, there are individuals in this world that make millions and don't work half as hard as the average man.

Now I'm not saying these positions were just given to them, I understand it takes skill to attain a work status like that – but that's what I want for myself and I need to figure out how to get it. I know it isn't in the culinary field, or at least not in restaurant level. And management is twice as hard and all consuming – I suppose the real money is in owning and maximizing time by hiring trustworthy people to foot the effort. Just like the owner of the restaurant I am at. He's never there and has a sturdy, overworked GM to take care of all the problems. She can be trusted, heck, I trust her. That's what I want, that's the dream for me. Make money, work easy. So it's either that or get paid for like...writing and gaming, or something. I just can't take being locked down in a kitchen for ten hours a day, that shit has got to stop.

Anyway, I need to get to work. I'll blog about something, anything, later tonight. Until then, keep up with me on twitter. I update regularly, when my shitty job isn't devouring all of my time.

Under Construction.

This blog page is under heavy construction. For once it seems like I actually want to do something right. And it would be the one time when I'm actually selective about who gets to see this and who doesn't. Go figure, right? With that said, it will probably be some time until I get this page looking how I want it to look. So in the mean time, I'll continue to tweet things that mean absolutely nothing to anyone but myself and the close few people that are even aware that I have a twitter account.

But anyway, today was a good day. I worked hard, quit only once – at the beginning of the day – and preformed excellently throughout a busy lunch and dinner period. Also, my grandmother is back home, I got to see the girl that isn't my girlfriend but is, and I am here, blogging about it – which is satisfying in itself. Nothing went wrong today, for that I am thankful. And I did manage to have an inspiring conversation with a gentleman that might become the new head chef at the restaurant I am working at, but I don't have my hopes up at this point. This place has, what the GM calls, 'a revolving door' in the kitchen; people constantly go in and out. I'm the longest staying person, since the new management started hiring.

Man, I just yawned. I'm tired. I'll have to update with the delicious sushi I had tonight, and the finer details about the conversation I had this morning, later. Possibly tomorrow morning. Sit tight until then.

Morning shakedown.

It is the morning. I'm well rested and getting ready to head to work. Also, I hate work.

I'm a cook, an overworked cooked. The people I work for say that I do good work and they enjoy what I make. But that praise isn't enough for me to be satisfied with the daily twelve to thirteen hour lock-down they subject me to at the measly rate of nine bucks an hour. I want to leave this place, I really do. If it isn't because of the crazy, relationship shattering hours, it's for the atmosphere. Now don't get me wrong, the people there are some of the most fun-loving, charming people you could ever meet – but the skill of the servers and the other cooks...Well, it's nothing to write home about.

At the moment, I've the best cook in that kitchen, which – in my opinion – isn't saying much. I'm a newbie, thirsty for knowledge. I originally thought this place was going to be a well of Italian cooking knowledge, but with no head chef and a kitchen manager that was so unfit for his job that he got demoted (which was really nice of the GM, I would have fired him), the only one that knows what they're doing is me. Not good. Since I know what I am doing, they want me to do everything. Everything. Having the responsibility isn't an issue, I don't mind it. But I can't stand not having a life because of it.

The pain of 'eat-sleep-work' is driving me wild and the lack of balance in my life is making me rather resentful towards this establishment. Especially since I've talked to the GM on multiple occasions about the frustrating degree of my endurance-based shifts. “Bear with me,” She said, smoking a cigarette behind the bar counter. “Don't let this challenge beat you.” It appealed to my pride; not losing to something. But this doesn't bode well for my sanity. I'm deteriorating and I know it. Eventually, I'll stop caring and the quality of what I do will fall so sharply that even I will be surprised.

Just like the drifting break-up with my girl was easy to foresee and unavoidable, so is my eventual corruption at the hands of this job. I think 'jaded' might be the word for it. But no big deal, shit happens right? All I know is that cooking, which I liked before, didn't like, and now kind of like again, might not be the thing I want to do for the rest of my life. Biggest problem is, with that said, I actually don't know what it is that I am willing to do for the rest of my life. I can say one thing though, writing has always been a little past time of mine – I wonder if I can do that for a living and make some serious scratch. Hrrmmm.

My grandmother is in the hospital. Breast cancer. She just got her breast removed yesterday – I'm confident that she's doing on. That woman is strong. The girl that I recently broke up with, she called. Her great aunt at some work done at the hospital as well. Apparently, her great aunt's heart was arrhythmic, because some valves weren't pumping blood. Well, they got her fixed up, and informed her that she would have to take this medication for the rest of her life. But...the great aunt HATES taking pills. Why? Because of T.V. Doctors. The girl told me about how her great aunt listens to these folks like it's a religion and will shape her life based on her advice.

Once she heard, from the T.V., that bread will give you cancer, so what did she do? She stopped eatting bread. Crazy.

Anyway, I have to get some breakfast and shower. Thank you for reading – click follow, get updated. Also, I now have twitter. Follow me there, @Ascydd. Then you can see how mundane and hopeless things are on a minute to minute basis. Awesome!

"...You've just been dealt a bad hand."

She was the love of my life. Wait, no.

She is the love of my life. But we're not together anymore.

No, it's not my fault and...no, it isn't her fault either. It's hard to explain, but neither of us can point any fingers in our break-up. If anything, it's more so fate's fault; just a series of events completely out of my control and her's. Somewhere along the line, wires crossed, our time together shorted out and our relationship smoldered out of existence. I didn't want it to happen and, with the way she cried on the phone and still told me that she loved me, I feel that she didn't want it to happen either. She told me “You're my future, but right now...you can't be my present.”

Dramatic, but it made sense. Life wasn't right for her at the moment and neither was it for me. Previous to this fated conversation, I had started a new job and had been working hours on end, trying to make some money have a two month rut of joblessness that drove me crazy. Through it all, she had been there for me, but her life was steadily peaking towards a point of hyper activity that would leave me and my feelings discarded and left to rot in the form of text messages and voicemails that were trying to reconnect with her.

Our lives grew apart, plain and simple. But what remains isn't so cut and dry. I still have feelings for her and I know she still has feelings for me. It was just the pressure of maintenance that came with the relationship that drove her away from the prospect of being with me at this moment. When I needed her, she wasn't there and she knew she couldn't be there for me. The end result was her feeling terrible that she couldn't be there for me, because that should've been the one thing she was able to do. Of course, when she brought it all up to me, I lied about it being okay and me being all understanding and whatnot. But yea, I was pissed at her for not making time for me, especially since I always go out of my way to make time for her.

Most of the time, the affection felt one-sided. Like I loved her, but she didn't love me. Honestly though, now that I look at it, she just didn't have time to love me back. The girl had school, work and quidditch. Yea, the Harry Potter broom thing. She's always running around for one thing or another and I'm just trying to catch up with her at one point – which is rather impossible, when she has meetings almost daily, classes and work to fill in the gaps. And not to mention, I had my time vampire as well. For the past month now, I've been all 'work work work'. My last pay period I had a check for 117 hours. I constantly pull double shifts and I end up at the place longer than expected because of some bullshit somewhere.

There were times when I actually went and set up dates with my girl after work and something would happen to where I would have to either talk with the manage for, what felt like, hours or work my ass off so that I would miss her. These incidents certainly didn't help the cohesiveness of our relationship. And now I secretly loath work for these spoiled opportunities, because I feel like they screwed me over and aided in the eventual destruction of my relationship. But oh well.

Also, today, hours earlier, I fucked this chick. Previous to breaking up with my girl, we hadn't had sex in quite some time. So this break up gave me the opportunity and drive to go ahead and pursue someone else. Let me tell you how I know I am in love. I actually didn't enjoy sex with this other girl. It didn't fill the gap and at some point I was almost ashamed of myself. I probably won't tell her that I did this and I can only hope that she doesn't do the same thing. Though I doubt she will. Even with the metaphorical space between us, we're still kind of 'in a relationship'. It's one of those...together but not deal, I think. Or I just might be in denial. We'll have to see.

So yea, this entry is titled after something I said to her while we were on the phone. I told her that she was a good person that had just been given a bad situation. I used playing cards as a reference, just to illustrate how uninvolved she was in the fabrication of our demise – in a sense. Even if her side of the story isn't well represented, I will tell you, first hand, that she is a wonderful person and I am aching inside without her. I'm certain we'll be together again though. Heck, last break we took, we still hung out like a couple and had sex. I'm sure nothing will be different this time around. If it is, I just might be in trouble.

Journal Introduction.

You, whoever you are (even if it is me just reading this again), this is personal. Highly classified. The only individuals that should be reading this are those who manage to stumble across this and you, who probably falls in the previous category. However you managed to get here, if you were directed here by myself or through other means, consider yourself lucky. This is a personal gold mine. Gold. Why? Because this is my life, unfiltered and uncovered. A vault for my triumphs and my sins. A pedestal for my good qualities and a bleeding rack for my shortcomings. This blog is who I am and what I am made of. 

Now the immediate question is wh- am I, exactly. You probably want a name or a face. But that's not Who I am. That's just a facade and a label, merely the title and cover page for a book. Who I am can only be taken from the actions I made, am making or will make in the future. It'll probably be hard to gather what makes me tick at first, but ultimately – if you stay involved with this blog – you'll know my inner workings as well as I do. Which isn't very well. But, for the sake of keeping things simple and organized, I do have a pseudonym. Ascydd. Pronounced just like 'Acid'. I thought it looked cool like that. The name doesn't have an origin or a grand meaning. It's just a name, though a little more detached than that.

A title rather. Yea, that sounds better.

Now that you know what I am called, I'm sure you might be curious as to 'why' I am doing this. Who would want to expose their own life like a tell-all book? It's a release, honestly and the comfort of anonymity allows me to express any and all of my feelings without anyone getting hurt by them. I can speak my mind (and let the little voices speak too) without anyone interjecting or their judgments following me home. After all, there is no 'Ascydd' listed in the phone books. So, behold my truth and everything I think of it. This is an opportunity to know my life as I know it, understand it as I understand it and possibly live it as I live it – with an up-side of not having to experience any of the pain first hand and the ability to just skip to the good parts. Lucky you.

So, person reading this, sit back, relax, click that little 'follow' icon wherever it is, and embrace the nature of me and all my trimmings.