She was the love of my life. Wait, no.
She is the love of my life. But we're not together anymore.
No, it's not my fault and...no, it isn't her fault either. It's hard to explain, but neither of us can point any fingers in our break-up. If anything, it's more so fate's fault; just a series of events completely out of my control and her's. Somewhere along the line, wires crossed, our time together shorted out and our relationship smoldered out of existence. I didn't want it to happen and, with the way she cried on the phone and still told me that she loved me, I feel that she didn't want it to happen either. She told me “You're my future, but right now...you can't be my present.”
Dramatic, but it made sense. Life wasn't right for her at the moment and neither was it for me. Previous to this fated conversation, I had started a new job and had been working hours on end, trying to make some money have a two month rut of joblessness that drove me crazy. Through it all, she had been there for me, but her life was steadily peaking towards a point of hyper activity that would leave me and my feelings discarded and left to rot in the form of text messages and voicemails that were trying to reconnect with her.
Our lives grew apart, plain and simple. But what remains isn't so cut and dry. I still have feelings for her and I know she still has feelings for me. It was just the pressure of maintenance that came with the relationship that drove her away from the prospect of being with me at this moment. When I needed her, she wasn't there and she knew she couldn't be there for me. The end result was her feeling terrible that she couldn't be there for me, because that should've been the one thing she was able to do. Of course, when she brought it all up to me, I lied about it being okay and me being all understanding and whatnot. But yea, I was pissed at her for not making time for me, especially since I always go out of my way to make time for her.
Most of the time, the affection felt one-sided. Like I loved her, but she didn't love me. Honestly though, now that I look at it, she just didn't have time to love me back. The girl had school, work and quidditch. Yea, the Harry Potter broom thing. She's always running around for one thing or another and I'm just trying to catch up with her at one point – which is rather impossible, when she has meetings almost daily, classes and work to fill in the gaps. And not to mention, I had my time vampire as well. For the past month now, I've been all 'work work work'. My last pay period I had a check for 117 hours. I constantly pull double shifts and I end up at the place longer than expected because of some bullshit somewhere.
There were times when I actually went and set up dates with my girl after work and something would happen to where I would have to either talk with the manage for, what felt like, hours or work my ass off so that I would miss her. These incidents certainly didn't help the cohesiveness of our relationship. And now I secretly loath work for these spoiled opportunities, because I feel like they screwed me over and aided in the eventual destruction of my relationship. But oh well.
Also, today, hours earlier, I fucked this chick. Previous to breaking up with my girl, we hadn't had sex in quite some time. So this break up gave me the opportunity and drive to go ahead and pursue someone else. Let me tell you how I know I am in love. I actually didn't enjoy sex with this other girl. It didn't fill the gap and at some point I was almost ashamed of myself. I probably won't tell her that I did this and I can only hope that she doesn't do the same thing. Though I doubt she will. Even with the metaphorical space between us, we're still kind of 'in a relationship'. It's one of those...together but not deal, I think. Or I just might be in denial. We'll have to see.
So yea, this entry is titled after something I said to her while we were on the phone. I told her that she was a good person that had just been given a bad situation. I used playing cards as a reference, just to illustrate how uninvolved she was in the fabrication of our demise – in a sense. Even if her side of the story isn't well represented, I will tell you, first hand, that she is a wonderful person and I am aching inside without her. I'm certain we'll be together again though. Heck, last break we took, we still hung out like a couple and had sex. I'm sure nothing will be different this time around. If it is, I just might be in trouble.
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